I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
