my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
