Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
