The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
