At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
