i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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