Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
