trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
