My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
