I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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