I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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