Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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