Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
