I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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