Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
