I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
