Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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