I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
