this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
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I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
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We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
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