question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
