Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
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You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.