I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...