My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
