My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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