I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
