Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
