it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
