When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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