I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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