Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
