Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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