I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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