I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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