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Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
