Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You are the jesus of drinking
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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