I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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