I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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