its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
