I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Girls should come with a carfax report
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
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