This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
