and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
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he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
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Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!