if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before