just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.