My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.