i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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