If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Randomize
