So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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