god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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