after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
