Midget sex pt 2 tonight
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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