I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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