I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
