one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
