Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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