Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
