I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
