This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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