i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
