Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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