i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
