how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
