Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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