When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
